I'm Hurt

Dear Mary Lou, 

I can't believe you. You have no idea how it feels. 

I sat here for days, weeks worrying about non stop. I had to endure you haunting me in my dreams and lingering in my sub-consciousnesses. I felt so guilty for not trying to reach out anymore.

But then I realised that you never even tried. 

While I was here wondering if I did something wrong and constantly fought against what I thought were merely my own selfish thoughts, you were seemingly doing just fine. I was so convinced that I was the problem, and didn't even think to look into you as a person. Instead of looking in so deeply at the things that I did (which were all justifiable), I should have been more focused on the simple, little things that you didn't and apparently could never bring yourself to do.

Your lack of a reaction would fuel my own actions of second guessing myself. Blaming myself. Hating myself. 

Maybe I was being too dependent on you. Or maybe I was annoying? But you never seemed to be able to strike up a conversation yourself and always seemed so hesitant to talk with me. Why didn't you want to talk to me? 

And why does your validation mean so much to me? 

Getting to know you might have been a mistake. Because all I now have to show for it are a few emotional wounds. But, you have nothing. 

However, I will never be able to hate you and I will always love you. 

Thanks to you, in this moment all I feel is Hurt

With Love, 

Jolene